The Idiot Board Post Hall of Fame: greatest of the internet's humour

From the one and only message board (or internet site for that matter) that I frequent, there is endless amounts of deep, depraved humour.  Here I thought I'd honour the people who make me laugh the hardest.  Only their member names will be used, nothing will be edited.

Noland and his opinion towards Taylor Rain:

Yeah, she lives next door. Her front porch is paved with broken glass, her living room is piled waist high in garbage and she sleeps in a bed made of burlap. She's poison. Porn is fun, but that chick is so fucked up the guys that rape women in Darfur would question her morals.

CharlesJohnson:

What the hell is with girls wearing "going clubbin'" dresses to the library? Three of them today. They just roll out of bed, hack up some old sperm, and go rent some DVDs? Because, yeah, the library is the Blockbuster of 2012. Holy hell do they do a big DVD business. They also had a few books there.

Effinshenanigans on Facebook:

 I've always felt that Facebook is the equivalent of giving someone a bullhorn, one of those super long fold-out wallet picture holders, and a bunch of acid.
Some people take all of that and sit quietly. Every now and then, they mutter something through the bullhorn and just leave the picture fold-out open if anyone is interested enough to stop by and check it out. They don't like acid, either, so they just toss that into the grass.
Others drop all of the acid right away (perhaps even dig some up from the grass that belonged to people who tossed it) and start screaming every vapid thought into the bullhorn while they hurl their picture wallet at people passing by. That way, when the other person stops and says, "Why the fuck did you throw this at me?" they can have an excuse to show them every picture in there.

Allord on the art of intimidation:

If you're a serial killer, looking like a serial killer is a perk, as it causes your victims to panic and scream a lot more after they gradually stir to realize they're tied to a chair that's hanging from a giant rope spiderweb in your own torch-lit torture chamber. It wouldn't have nearly as much effect if you looked like Pamela Anderson in a skin-tight milf-maid outfit.

Ballsack responding to a call-out:

Whatever, fuckhead, we all know you're a hack. Besides...what's douchier? Me being annoying or YOU letting it annoy you so much you have to call me on it? Sorry son, now go fuck your grandpa's ass. If he's dead, dig him up.

Beefy Phil venting:

Enough with the shortening of full phrases to letters. FML. SMH. MLIA. Enough. Type the full fucking words. Or else I'll just have to RYSWAGSUYCMMMBMICISNMIMDNCBGIDUFEYWCDCHTTLAHOAVAUA (Rape Your Soul With A Garden Spade Until You Cry 'Mommy Mommy Mommy' But Mommy Isn't Coming, Is She? No, Mommy Is Most Definitely Not Coming Because God Is Dead. Use Fucking English, You Worthless Cosmic Dingleberry Clinging Hopelessly To The Last Anal Hair Of A Vast And Uncaring Abyss.)

Kojak reflecting on old neighbours:

 That aside, Vanilla and I had two guys living beneath us. They were both meat heads..you know..BEEFCAKE! The type that couldn't use their necks and had to move their whole body in order to look left or right. They acted tough, and talked about getting girls and all that shit, you know, how they have muscles which automatically makes them alpha males. Anyways, every night or second night, without a doubt, it would be quiet, and then all of a sudden....
AHHHHH...OHHH YEAAAAHHHHH....AHHHHHH...FUUUUUUUUUUUKCKKKK
Like they were ramming each other's ass with no lube. Vanilla and I looked terrified, and quickly realized they were probably fucking each other. I think in the 'moment', the fellas downstairs didn't realize how loud they were. We would laugh and make jokes as it continued. But after a couple weeks, we fucking got pissed and couldn't understand what they could be doing if they weren't ass-thrusting. We started yelling back, "STOP FUCKING EACH OTHER IN THE ASS! OHHH YEAAAAHHHHHH"
They would stop, but only momentarily. It came to the point when they would blast music, and not beefcake I'm hard music with metal rock or something..no..not even rap music... they blasted (I SHIT YOU NOT ASK VANILLA) Celine Dion's MY LIFE WILL GO ON! I can not fucking make this up. And then they continued fucking, but no one could hear them over the song. And they expect us to believe they get girls 'all the time'... sure.
I mean, if they weren't fucking I don't know what they were doing. I'd actually have to go downstairs and knock and ask them to stop in order get them to shut the fuck up. Even then they didn't answer the door. The moans just stopped dead and no one would come, so I'd go upstairs and wouldn't hear anything again.
I would see them in the hall sometimes and ask them, "What the hell is that sound from downstairs? What are you guys doing?"
And without a doubt, they would always reply with, "What sound? I don't know what you're talking about dude."
It still went on though. It wasn't until their left their window open, living on the bottom floor, that a group of guys walked by, heard them, and tore them up and laughed and made fun of them, calling them out that they finally stopped.

 CharlesJohnson on Nicki Minaj:

Nicki Mange is not attractive, not at all. She looks like Frankenstein's bimbo monster. She looks squished. Almost as if she was made from a Playdough Factory Playset then someone smushed it under their shoe. Last time I saw a mouth like that, it was eating Quinn's boat. I'd sooner fuck Sam Jackson in that pink fright wig. She is a diseased manatee. I'd sooner feed my balls to T-rex.

Kubla Khan on the topic of fitness:

My million dollar idea? Mens only gym as the inverse of Curves, named, Curls. It'll have 18 squat racks in a row for bicep curls. Bench press can be doubled as bench for skull crushers. Two way mirrors all around so the passing public can gawk as they pose for themselves. Straight cash homey.

.

 

 

 

 
 

Erin Wotherspoon and the False Entitlement Generation

To my ones upon ones of loyal readers:

I would like to introduce to you a fellow Canadian: Erin Wotherspoon.  Erin Wotherspoon has recently launched herself into semi-fame as a "serial dater" who targets Toronto men with low self-esteem and deep pockets and uses them to fund her expensive taste at the city's best restaurants.  Now, despite the fact this 23-year-old with an arts degree openly brags about exploits on the internet with her Tumblr A Penniless girl, bad dates & plenty of oysters where she goes on pricey dates and then 90% of the time condescendingly decribes the "2's and 3's" she went out with, and sometimes put out with.  This is apparently getting her a possibility of both a reality show and book deal.  Despite the fact she has NO credentials whatsoever at restaurant business or culinary arts and has very poor writing skills. And has no respectable employment.  She's an "aspiring actress" which is a paraphrasing along the lines of "Best Buy part-timer".  She's more than a serial dater.  She's a serial job-jumper  who has no gainful employment to date yet demands to be pampered and treated like royalty by men before throwing them in the garbage disposal while laughing about it on her blog.  This is the face of true evil: Real, cold, unblinking and reptilian.  And a dime a dozen.  Does she think she's the first woman to try this?  Use men to quench their sense of false entitlement?  Excuse me, but I just stood up, laughed myself sick and walked out of the room.

...back again.  So, Erin got the attention of the very popular social media site Reddit, which I believe is latin word for "dipshit".  Reddit is a place inhabited almost entirely by Adderall and Mountain Dewaholics who like to rage against the machine in their bedroom/ parents converted laundry room (that machine has "General Electric on it by the way) by thumping chest and trying to get the world to stop dating her "I'd ditch her with the cheque HURRR HURRR" a) No you wouldn't, and b) NO YOU WOULDN'T.  If you're out with her your insatiable craving to try and see her naked would prevent you from doing so.  I wouldn't wipe my ass with Reddit.  No, you are going to get the right kind of dissection, from smart people who know exactly the completely NOT smart, NOT original and NOT socially conscious fraud that you are.  You are what you are: the Lowest Common Denominator.  Your entitlement is sickening.  You were BORN pretty, you didn't work for how you turned out.  That's nature.  Do you think Ron Perlman wanted to look like a gargoyle?  How moronic is it to think you deserve to be fawned over just for being pretty?  If you said you should be treated better for being white, you would be run out of town.  It's not as offensive, but equally idiotic.  I just proved it.

...yes, Erin is pretty.  She makes a point of that seemingly every five minutes, and because of this and-- believe me-- only this guys get suckered into footing the bill.  Her game is to do whatever it takes not to pay.  Anything.  And this is her gimmick.  Dine and dash.  Maybe get laid, she mentions that to.  Here's something that she doesn't mention: she's a slob.  A pseudo-hipster who makes fun of hipsters, but she dresses like THIS for a date:

..that's her, in the flesh sporting a lovely three-wolf cutoff and sweatpants you wouldn't see on the rack at Value Village.  Mercury just exploded out of the top of the Hypocrisy-O-Meter.  In this article she complains her date was cheap for taking her to The Mongolian Grill while dressing like an insane bag lady who rips her own teeth out and throws them at invisible evil robots.  Let's drift from the frothing retard of Reddit and Digg and read some quotes from actual smart people:

I didn't know she was a near homeless schizophrenic. I give the mentally ill props when they can pull a fast one on us normies.

 I would laugh a girl out of the restaurant if she showed up dressed like that, I don't care how hot they are. And she expects people to pay for the meal too?

Kind of sad and telling of guys that just the liminal amount of attractiveness would let a girl like this walk all over them..... 

However, my favourite, and the one the sums up my point is this:

I like how she spends half of each of her blog posts smugly talking about how smart and innovative she is but is retarded enough to post a picture of herself holding her credit card without blacking out the numbers. For half of a second, I couldn't believe someone is giving her a TV show, but then when I realized that all she's done is reach the level of Honey Boo Boo I laugh to myself because these people don't realize that they are a part of the lowest common denominator of society and are being put on TV to be made fun of by everyone else.

...to be fair, she also posted a photo of herself washing her 1999 Sunfire with her license plate in full view as well.  Is she aware even what Social Media is?  Erin: when you write these posts down and take photos of yourself looking like loony-tunes..... WE CAN SEE IT!!!  Wake up.  When virtually everyone out in the world of social media is expressing contempt and vitriol in your direction, perhaps it's time to take a look in the mirror and say "Maybe it's me!"  Because it IS you.  What you are doing is a bad thing, and if you trumpet this on television or in a book to a national/international audience, you will NOT come out on top.  You will NOT look the hero.  You will become a celebrity people wish would fall off the earth, like Joe Francis or Jenny McCarthy.  You are overflowing with false-entitlement you never worked hard for to achieve.

You're also 23.  Do you think you can keep doing this forever?  When you've chased away or ducked out on every decent prospect for an actual connection and resort to banging younger guys at cougar bars because your looks went at 30 and everybody knows your scheme?  Let me spell something for you: this won't last.  Even if you get a 15 minutes it will only be 15 minutes and then everyone will dislike you except your equally shallow friends.  At least you'll have somebody to shop with while looking for Pizza Hut sunglasses at Urban Outfitters.

"These guys should feel honoured by this open invitation to date me."
-Erin Wotherspoon

...indeed.