ME & LENNY

Lenny Kravitz and I have a few things in common.  For one, we both cheated on Nicole Kidman.  Except instead of the company of groupies, I banged Tom Cruise.  Another, is we smoke the scary and internationally dreaded "marijuana" for inspiration.  He uses it to write his psychedelia-drenched stoner rock, I use it to write half-assed sarcasm that pretty much nobody reads.  So, that makes us boyzzz.  To know how serious I am, take note the rest of this will be written while extremely high:


Look kids, we "stoners" as you like to call us nowadays-- with our custom vans and lumberjack coats-- give us a lot of grief.  It's not our fault, we smoke it to put up with YOUR bitchy intolerance!  Just kidding, I luv yas.  But what is so bad about the shit?  It has been scientifically proven (along with mushrooms) that they are less damaging in short and long term than alcohol or tobacco.  The last few celebrities that have died prematurely have been from those friendly prescription drugs-- mostly downers which eat your body like little Ms. Pac Mans-- they were murdered by their own doctors just to shut them up.  America consumes 83% of the planet's painkillers.  That is some scary shit, why so much pain?

Pot smokers, they aren't tough to deal with.  I mean, even if we DO bother you, you just have to throw a frisbee and run in the other direction while we admire how fuckin' round it is.  But we aren't putting that poison in our systems.

And we love booze just like YOU party animals!!  Oh, FUCK do I love to drink!  From straight Canadian rye to those faggy-looking mojitos, alcohol is a very important step in my life.  But there's a time and a place for it.   I can't use it to kill anger or pain, the wrong affect arises and I don't think my three-year-old daughter would appreciate me throwing her through the sheetrock after mistaking her asking for a glass of water as a midget home invasion because daddy wanted to see if Hemmingway daiquiris could help him to sleep.

We don't like it as an escape.  We like it for:

- A painkiller.  Which is what I use it for (usually)
- A medical usage.  It helps with eye diseases, cancer patients, it's been proven to deflect tourette's syndrome and degenerative bone diseases as well.
- Allows you to rock out to your buddy's shitty jam band without laughing hysterically at the same time.
- Makes a trip to the movies more amusing
- Makes you non-violent, relaxed, easy to contend with.
- You just HEAR the music, man.  I see and FEEL the music, motherfucker.  Look at me when I'm talking to you... (sometimes people put cocaine in joints)

And we have Woody Harrelson in our corner, too.  I LOVE that guy, with his dilated, dead eyes and his love for the booya.  Amongst other celebrities, there's  McConnehey, Bill Maher and every band that played Lollapalooza in the 90's.  Don't forget Steve Jobs and this guy:

See?  It even says it under his photo.  You're gonna fuck with the Billions And Billions Dude?  He used pot to help prove Christianity a sham, don't we all owe it a little something?

If it's not for you, more power to ya.  But if you want to try, by all means.  I'll doubt I could get mad at my daughter the first time I catch her smoking it (and I will).  I'll feel like a hypocrite, and probably just be hurt that she was holding out on me. 

Or maybe I'm going to hell because I'm a fucking idiot.  Now, where's my propeller hat?

BE THE BEST LITTLE ATTENTION WHORE YOU CAN BE!

We now live in the "Me Generation". I guess it's shorter than the "What part of ME don't you understand Generation"

Ah, attention whores.  Without you 90% of my rants would be about dried ketchup around the bottle rim.  Ironic for me of all people to belittling the club I am so avidly a member of, but there are classifications.  I fall into the category of the Ugly Truthers- those who will expose you for what you factually are.  Then, there are others...

The Pop Star:
It seems that every female singer nowadays took a cue from The Prodigy's Keith Flint and now go out of their way to look like the ugliest, scariest-looking Hell Clown imaginable.  I am talking DIRECTLY TO YOU Nicky Minaj, Lady Gaga, Jessie J and the like.  Face it.  You're horrendously unattractive and you got dealt a shitty hand.  However, instead of leaving us all the hell alone you not only embrace your mediocrity but you put it in bolds, capitals and italics.  I mean, look at Nicky Minaj.  No really, look at her.  If you don't, she'll die.
Minaj recently catapulted herself into the spotlight with a "unique" performance using an alter-ego like so many of the hideous bitches do nowadays.  If God saw this horrendous display, he would turn Atheist.  It was a disgrace to having eyes and ears, and yet.....two-digit IQ crowd lapped it up and called it brilliant and of course "edgy", the go-to word morons use when they don't understand something.  I call them wrong.

The Male Hipster
Women are hipster too, but women hipsters just stand there usually and do what they do best: look stupid.  The men however like to flaunt their loserness like a 16-year-old with a new driver's license: their brown-bagged Pabst, their solipsistic opinions towards anyone else's thoughts on pop culture, and of course their fashion sense speaks volumes for them.  For instance, a fellow Idiot Board member whathasbeenseen can speak through me for your entertainment:

I saw this Indian guy in the tube this morning with a haircut straight out of No Country For Old Men, some gigantic off-brand headphones, a ready tied bow tie, hipster glasses and blue wing tips. Mind you he was also over 6'3. I rubbed my eyes and just shook my head at how my brain could not process that level of a need for attention.

...isn't being ironic so...ironic?  Isn't also that the people who brag about how much they DON'T want attention actually want more attention than any other human being on the face of this earth?

The Two Girls Kissing:
Kids, before you stand in on me just hear me out: Ladies, we appreciate the show.  What we don't appreciate is the fact you think we are naive enough to buy into the show.  It isn't real.  You won't actually be scissoring each other later on and you never go past first base because you CRAVE MALE ATTENTION.  To the women that actually ARE into this, well, you go girl!

I'm Awesome:
The internet gave way to a flood of people who never would have become famous through Hollywood or other pop culture machines-- many of them "normal" people just talked about their own life, some exploded into popularity like Tucker Max and The Philadelphia Lawyer.  It was observational humour written with brutal honesty, the problem is is spawned 100,000 other repulsively egotistic douchebags who tried to use megalomania as a front and is fails miserably.  Sure it gave them temporary fame, but not in the way they wanted.  John Fitzgerald Page tried  to demonstrate to women how awesome he was in every department, but he didn't admit to the fact that he was a balding, out-of-shape cunt.  His match.com post to some woman says it all:

"I think you forgot how this works. You hit on me, and therefore have to impress ME and pass MY criteria and standards - not vice versa. 6 pictures of just your head and your inability to answer a simple question lets me know one thing. You are not in shape. I am a trainer on the side, in fact, I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes!
So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don't blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel's Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren't any more of those!

Regards,
John

...wow.  WOW.  An 8.9, huh?  Naked, perverted gay 300 pound men find this dipshit to be quite a dish.  There are so many of these dinks out there: Arthur Kade, Ryan Milliron, Joey Porsche and of course the sensuous photos of Lee Hotti and his boyyyyyyyyyyyyz.  Winners all.

So, where do we go from here?  The internet and TV has given everyone a license to stand on a soapbox and do whatever the fuck they want, so that's that.  What can the rest of us do?  Well, if you're one of us, you can expose these tools.  The only way to end a trend is to stop liking it, and you can start by not liking Jersey Shore.