Call me old fashioned. I was born in a time when sexting did not exist, and we had to go to the store and buy a stamp, then use the post office to mail each other Polaroids of our wonderful, wonderful genitals. And your boyfriend only showed them to his friends, he didn't post them for the world to see after you pissed him off when you dumped him! You always wanted to be famous, and now you have your wish.
But now there's this new so-called fad-turned fresh hell sweeping Cluelessville: Internet relationships. These are not real relationships. These are electronic pen pals. You see, having a boyfriend/girlfriend in reality means that you have a flesh and blood person that you make physical contact with, share intimate physical moments with and occasionally knock the ol' boots. It does NOT include telling her to diddle herself on her bed through a computer monitor.
If you have never been in the room with each other, you are not in a relationship. How easy is it so say you're macking mad bitches just because you've spoken to various females on Internet message boards? How fair is this? How is it possible for people to be "intimate" living 2000 miles away from each other? Telekinetic sex? I need SOMEBODY out there to explain me the logic behind this. Sure, you have a "connection" with all the words you shared. Words are words, you can be whoever you want on the Internet when nobody is there to call you out on your actual shit. It's not the same when you're alone. None of you have no idea right now as I type this at my handy-dandy lil' laptop I'm actually wearing a zippered gimp suit and a mask that used to be my dad's face. To you, I'm NiceGuyStud87 on Fagsfordates.com. Am I really? Who knows? And that's my point.
Let me lay this down for you one more time: that girl you talk to on a camera in Tucson? She's not your girlfriend. You have only ever seen her sit in an office chair and flip her hair back and forth 87,000 times in the last for months. You have not held hands. Been on a date. That too-soon reach for the breast that sends your palms into cold sweats. Dry humped your way into drunken first-time sex where you slammed her head on an iron bedrail and her dog licked your asscheeks in mid-coitus. All that good shit. Until you do, your pen pals. And we ALL have more than one pal.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
YOU'RE TUNED INTO THE HOME OF THE ROCK!
And now folks, it's 6am and we conclude our Sunrise Chat, please stay tuned for Mad Cat and Asshole Jack in the morning on Radio 101.3.
Mad Cat:
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD Morning Radio America!!! This is...The DOCTOR Mad C. and you can't Jack it without my main asshole, say hi to our people, Jack!
Asshole Jack:
Thank you Cat it's Friday, it's the WEEKEND and we're looking to give away lots of concert tickets, prizes and 101.3 HOME OF THE ROCK t-shirts that you will immediately use for the specific purpose of mowing your lawn.
Mad Cat:
If we call you and you answer your phone by saying "Prize me 101!" and slap your scrotum against the phone, we'll be sending YOU and a friend too see the band with the two other guys from Fallout Boy! You know, the ones nobody knew.
Asshole Jack:
...AND you'll get to meet the band before they hit the stage for pictures and autographs!
Mad Cat:
We're gonna SLAY yooooooooooooooooooooou with a little Scorpions here while my man the A-Hole and I cut rockstar lines of blow to keep up our incredibly loud and obnoxious routine. Here's No One Like You on the ONLY rock station that matters 101.3 HOME OF THE ROCK!!!!
*song plays*
Asshole Jack:
...and we're back! Man, is there anything better than German hair metal?
Mad Cat:
I'll answer that by saying "Hi-Yo!!!!" and playing some sound byte from a Will Farrell movie to show how in-touch I am with the Youth of eight years ago!
*Anchorman sound clip*
Asshole Jack:
You know, losers often stop me in the street when the recognize me from the awesome billboard of the two of us with our back to each other while yelling at the camera man and wearing sunglasses. They say things like "You're a douchebag" and "I'd rather listen to static than you." Pfft. Jealous. Jealous of this 265 lb. Hawaiian shirt-clad scene celebrity who gets to feels up girls at wet t-shirt contests. Of course I never go home with them, but who witnesses that part?
Mad Cat:
This job is tough, people. We barely make enough money for the eightball apiece we put up our nose during this 4-hour broadcast. You see, with limited songs in the morning and our inability to comment on social norms without shitting the bed we make up for it by using CRAAAAZY sound effects, idiotic contests and bringing hot women into the studio that only WE can see!!!! And you love it!!
Asshole Jack:
You said it Cat, speaking of which beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee the fifth caller in right now and you will be spending $101.30 this weekend in DAVE AND BUSTER DOLLARRRRRRRRS!!!!
Mad Cat:
Just think of all the games of ski-ball, table shuffleboard and Power Tower that will buy you and your date!!! Looks like you'll be eating in the FANCY section of that cesspool of noise pollution. Maybe even walking away from the prize station with a Stewie doll.
Asshole Jack:
Changing the subject for no reason, we want to remind you to be tuned in at ten for our daily Fake Orphan Funny!
Mad Cat:
Good reminder AJ! We'll be calling a random child at ten am to let him no his parents are dead. If he goes ten seconds without crying, we'll be setting him up with tickets to the Jimmy Eat World reunion tour courtesy of 101.3 HOME OF THE ROCK!!!
*"Please sir may I have some more?" clip from Oliver!*
Asshole:
The ROCK!!!!!
Mad Cat:
THE ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mad Cat:
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD Morning Radio America!!! This is...The DOCTOR Mad C. and you can't Jack it without my main asshole, say hi to our people, Jack!
Asshole Jack:
Thank you Cat it's Friday, it's the WEEKEND and we're looking to give away lots of concert tickets, prizes and 101.3 HOME OF THE ROCK t-shirts that you will immediately use for the specific purpose of mowing your lawn.
Mad Cat:
If we call you and you answer your phone by saying "Prize me 101!" and slap your scrotum against the phone, we'll be sending YOU and a friend too see the band with the two other guys from Fallout Boy! You know, the ones nobody knew.
Asshole Jack:
...AND you'll get to meet the band before they hit the stage for pictures and autographs!
Mad Cat:
We're gonna SLAY yooooooooooooooooooooou with a little Scorpions here while my man the A-Hole and I cut rockstar lines of blow to keep up our incredibly loud and obnoxious routine. Here's No One Like You on the ONLY rock station that matters 101.3 HOME OF THE ROCK!!!!
*song plays*
Asshole Jack:
...and we're back! Man, is there anything better than German hair metal?
Mad Cat:
I'll answer that by saying "Hi-Yo!!!!" and playing some sound byte from a Will Farrell movie to show how in-touch I am with the Youth of eight years ago!
*Anchorman sound clip*
Asshole Jack:
You know, losers often stop me in the street when the recognize me from the awesome billboard of the two of us with our back to each other while yelling at the camera man and wearing sunglasses. They say things like "You're a douchebag" and "I'd rather listen to static than you." Pfft. Jealous. Jealous of this 265 lb. Hawaiian shirt-clad scene celebrity who gets to feels up girls at wet t-shirt contests. Of course I never go home with them, but who witnesses that part?
Mad Cat:
This job is tough, people. We barely make enough money for the eightball apiece we put up our nose during this 4-hour broadcast. You see, with limited songs in the morning and our inability to comment on social norms without shitting the bed we make up for it by using CRAAAAZY sound effects, idiotic contests and bringing hot women into the studio that only WE can see!!!! And you love it!!
Asshole Jack:
You said it Cat, speaking of which beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee the fifth caller in right now and you will be spending $101.30 this weekend in DAVE AND BUSTER DOLLARRRRRRRRS!!!!
Mad Cat:
Just think of all the games of ski-ball, table shuffleboard and Power Tower that will buy you and your date!!! Looks like you'll be eating in the FANCY section of that cesspool of noise pollution. Maybe even walking away from the prize station with a Stewie doll.
Asshole Jack:
Changing the subject for no reason, we want to remind you to be tuned in at ten for our daily Fake Orphan Funny!
Mad Cat:
Good reminder AJ! We'll be calling a random child at ten am to let him no his parents are dead. If he goes ten seconds without crying, we'll be setting him up with tickets to the Jimmy Eat World reunion tour courtesy of 101.3 HOME OF THE ROCK!!!
*"Please sir may I have some more?" clip from Oliver!*
Asshole:
The ROCK!!!!!
Mad Cat:
THE ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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