BE THE BEST LITTLE ATTENTION WHORE YOU CAN BE!

We now live in the "Me Generation". I guess it's shorter than the "What part of ME don't you understand Generation"

Ah, attention whores.  Without you 90% of my rants would be about dried ketchup around the bottle rim.  Ironic for me of all people to belittling the club I am so avidly a member of, but there are classifications.  I fall into the category of the Ugly Truthers- those who will expose you for what you factually are.  Then, there are others...

The Pop Star:
It seems that every female singer nowadays took a cue from The Prodigy's Keith Flint and now go out of their way to look like the ugliest, scariest-looking Hell Clown imaginable.  I am talking DIRECTLY TO YOU Nicky Minaj, Lady Gaga, Jessie J and the like.  Face it.  You're horrendously unattractive and you got dealt a shitty hand.  However, instead of leaving us all the hell alone you not only embrace your mediocrity but you put it in bolds, capitals and italics.  I mean, look at Nicky Minaj.  No really, look at her.  If you don't, she'll die.
Minaj recently catapulted herself into the spotlight with a "unique" performance using an alter-ego like so many of the hideous bitches do nowadays.  If God saw this horrendous display, he would turn Atheist.  It was a disgrace to having eyes and ears, and yet.....two-digit IQ crowd lapped it up and called it brilliant and of course "edgy", the go-to word morons use when they don't understand something.  I call them wrong.

The Male Hipster
Women are hipster too, but women hipsters just stand there usually and do what they do best: look stupid.  The men however like to flaunt their loserness like a 16-year-old with a new driver's license: their brown-bagged Pabst, their solipsistic opinions towards anyone else's thoughts on pop culture, and of course their fashion sense speaks volumes for them.  For instance, a fellow Idiot Board member whathasbeenseen can speak through me for your entertainment:

I saw this Indian guy in the tube this morning with a haircut straight out of No Country For Old Men, some gigantic off-brand headphones, a ready tied bow tie, hipster glasses and blue wing tips. Mind you he was also over 6'3. I rubbed my eyes and just shook my head at how my brain could not process that level of a need for attention.

...isn't being ironic so...ironic?  Isn't also that the people who brag about how much they DON'T want attention actually want more attention than any other human being on the face of this earth?

The Two Girls Kissing:
Kids, before you stand in on me just hear me out: Ladies, we appreciate the show.  What we don't appreciate is the fact you think we are naive enough to buy into the show.  It isn't real.  You won't actually be scissoring each other later on and you never go past first base because you CRAVE MALE ATTENTION.  To the women that actually ARE into this, well, you go girl!

I'm Awesome:
The internet gave way to a flood of people who never would have become famous through Hollywood or other pop culture machines-- many of them "normal" people just talked about their own life, some exploded into popularity like Tucker Max and The Philadelphia Lawyer.  It was observational humour written with brutal honesty, the problem is is spawned 100,000 other repulsively egotistic douchebags who tried to use megalomania as a front and is fails miserably.  Sure it gave them temporary fame, but not in the way they wanted.  John Fitzgerald Page tried  to demonstrate to women how awesome he was in every department, but he didn't admit to the fact that he was a balding, out-of-shape cunt.  His match.com post to some woman says it all:

"I think you forgot how this works. You hit on me, and therefore have to impress ME and pass MY criteria and standards - not vice versa. 6 pictures of just your head and your inability to answer a simple question lets me know one thing. You are not in shape. I am a trainer on the side, in fact, I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes!
So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don't blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel's Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren't any more of those!

Regards,
John

...wow.  WOW.  An 8.9, huh?  Naked, perverted gay 300 pound men find this dipshit to be quite a dish.  There are so many of these dinks out there: Arthur Kade, Ryan Milliron, Joey Porsche and of course the sensuous photos of Lee Hotti and his boyyyyyyyyyyyyz.  Winners all.

So, where do we go from here?  The internet and TV has given everyone a license to stand on a soapbox and do whatever the fuck they want, so that's that.  What can the rest of us do?  Well, if you're one of us, you can expose these tools.  The only way to end a trend is to stop liking it, and you can start by not liking Jersey Shore.



THE HIPSTER RANT

Urban Outfitters everywhere rejoice: the hipster fashion grows more and more each day, spawning out from it's bacteria-spore mother ship parked in the sewers of Brooklyn into as far as my home of Canada.  Nowadays, we have jerk everywhere wearing safety glasses, neon-coloured plaid shirts, moustaches, and poor hygiene.

The Hipster considers themselves the ultimate rebel of society today: they don't wear the trendy things (because it's easier and cheaper to steal if from donation bins), the don't listen to trendy music (because it's awesome to listen to music that isn't good enough to be liked) and they don't do trendy things like socialize outside their so-called "group, take showers or work full-time.  They are trust fund cheque-wielding spoiled brats and wounded ex-dweebs (actually, NOT ex) that have never worked hard for anything in their life, so they disguise this by dressing in such humiliating swag homeless people flip change at THEM.  They stink, drink Pabst (aka turkey vulture piss) to show off their "ruggedness" and absolutely HATE paying bills, so they usually live at least 17 to each studio apartment.

Of course, this is all about "rejecting the norms of society".  The problem is, when people rejected norms in the past, it worked.  There's now way to shock and impress us anymore.  Back in the 50's, Milton Bearle would dress up in drag onTV and people watching would laugh themselves sick.  Saying "Fuck you" to the norm doesn't work anymore, because the norm in now Norman Bates.  But, that doesn't stop Hipsters from trying.  I just can't wrap my head around what they're trying to prove: They're always ugly, pale, disheveled, out of shape, and look they they get their entire calcium intake from eating 2 Rolaids per day.  However, in their own eyes they are the epitome of cool.  Never looking up from their Blackberries and rolling their eyes and sighing whenever anybody tries to explain ANYTHING to them.

Hipsters are a fucking disease.  I used to think that douhebags (metrosexuals) were the greatest social group threat to society.  I was dead wrong.  At least douchebags have jobs and ambition, even if that ambition in to have the shiniest forehead in the universe.  The Hipster plague just keeps on growing, popularizing skinny jeans, fake glasses and self-starvation.  They constantly bitch about people that get everything handed to them, while they themselves are the one always sucking on the teet of society.

Wean the little bastards.

You won't be needing that calculator
on your watch to count how many friends
you have, cool dude.

.