THE HIPSTER RANT

Urban Outfitters everywhere rejoice: the hipster fashion grows more and more each day, spawning out from it's bacteria-spore mother ship parked in the sewers of Brooklyn into as far as my home of Canada.  Nowadays, we have jerk everywhere wearing safety glasses, neon-coloured plaid shirts, moustaches, and poor hygiene.

The Hipster considers themselves the ultimate rebel of society today: they don't wear the trendy things (because it's easier and cheaper to steal if from donation bins), the don't listen to trendy music (because it's awesome to listen to music that isn't good enough to be liked) and they don't do trendy things like socialize outside their so-called "group, take showers or work full-time.  They are trust fund cheque-wielding spoiled brats and wounded ex-dweebs (actually, NOT ex) that have never worked hard for anything in their life, so they disguise this by dressing in such humiliating swag homeless people flip change at THEM.  They stink, drink Pabst (aka turkey vulture piss) to show off their "ruggedness" and absolutely HATE paying bills, so they usually live at least 17 to each studio apartment.

Of course, this is all about "rejecting the norms of society".  The problem is, when people rejected norms in the past, it worked.  There's now way to shock and impress us anymore.  Back in the 50's, Milton Bearle would dress up in drag onTV and people watching would laugh themselves sick.  Saying "Fuck you" to the norm doesn't work anymore, because the norm in now Norman Bates.  But, that doesn't stop Hipsters from trying.  I just can't wrap my head around what they're trying to prove: They're always ugly, pale, disheveled, out of shape, and look they they get their entire calcium intake from eating 2 Rolaids per day.  However, in their own eyes they are the epitome of cool.  Never looking up from their Blackberries and rolling their eyes and sighing whenever anybody tries to explain ANYTHING to them.

Hipsters are a fucking disease.  I used to think that douhebags (metrosexuals) were the greatest social group threat to society.  I was dead wrong.  At least douchebags have jobs and ambition, even if that ambition in to have the shiniest forehead in the universe.  The Hipster plague just keeps on growing, popularizing skinny jeans, fake glasses and self-starvation.  They constantly bitch about people that get everything handed to them, while they themselves are the one always sucking on the teet of society.

Wean the little bastards.

You won't be needing that calculator
on your watch to count how many friends
you have, cool dude.

.

TOP 10: Celebrities We Could Do Without

10) Katy Perry
This super-stacked raven would be great if she were a fucking mute, but unfortunately bubble-headed girl everywhere like bouncing around their poster-laden rooms to her tired, recycled tripe that caters to Idiot America.  She can't sing well at all and despite her firm position that she's original she is anything BUT.  I do admire the fact that's she can actually put on more make-up than The Ultimate Warrior, so you go girl.

9) Stephen Colbert
Dude, we get it.  I'll give credit where it is due: Colbert is the master of sarcasm and throws it together in statements brilliantly, but he has no "off" switch and it's really starting to get old with the same routine over and over and OVER again.  At least Jon Stewart gives us the opportunity to take him seriously, this guy I just can't figure out anymore.  Change the record.

8) Kanye West
You can explain to me all you want how he's a "musical genius".  No, he isn't.  He's Puff Daddy 2.0, a guy who should have stayed in front of the studio glass instead of behind it so we wouldn't have to be constantly bombed by his weekly bouts of retardedly megalomaniacal stunts.  Metrosexual douchebag numbskulls like this make me sick, and you should feel the same way.

7) Ke$ha
Without a doubt one for the "Why the fuck?!?" pile.  Can't sing, can't rap, songs that sound like cavemen beating amplifiers to death with rocks.  She has the face of a shaved rat and the body of a tackling dummy.  She is worthless in every way, and those "porn" pictures of her were vomit-inducing to say the least.  Enjoy your future drug overdose after MTV idiots wake up to your lack of talent, girlfriend.

6) Jay Leno
I have long lost any respect I may have had for the host of The Tonight Show the minute he refused to bow out and let Conan O'Brien deservedly take over in his place.  Aside from not being funny and having a face dying to be slapped, he snubbed out Conan leaving him jobless and the rest of us wondering why this dipshit still has a job in the first place.  Even Headlines is tiresome now.  Fuck off.

5) Mathew McConnehey
Why?  Why are you still famous and headlining these terrible movies?  When you were Wooderson, you were the coolest character ever.  Now you're a fucking joke.  Smoke more weed, broham.

4) Lady Ga-Ga
I have seen fire hydrants with more sex appeal than this irritating Madonna wannabe.  Her fashion sense alone should have her killed by firing squad, but we also have to deal with her unabashed insanity, airport hangar-sized ego and second-rate house music beat ripoffs.  Bitch, I've seen piles of dogshit cuter than you and they probably smell better too.

3) Kim Kardashian
"Celebrity".  HA!!!!! "Useless retard" fits it better.  This good-looking but unrepentant champion of all sluts is a fucking disgrace and possibly the stupidest woman in California, if not America.  You could get the clap just by looking at one of her photos.  I'm sorry, you can do Sketchers ads and appear at every single awards ceremony all you want, you let a fifth-rate rapper give you a porno golden shower for the world to see and you suck at life, period.  Please kill yourself, and take your equally worthless sisters with you.

2) Glen Beck
Meet the new century's poster boy for vasectomy: Glen Beck, the tear-shedding, single digit IQ rambling Mormon (big surprise) who carries the flag of the world's worst news network, Fox.  From flip-flopping on Health Care issues monthly to having a nervous breakdown on air because America elected a black president (who he often compares to Adolph Hitler), isn't it time we threw this fat racist fuck into Mt. St. Helens already?  He redefines "worthless", and targets naive, stupid people as his audience (which explains his huge popularity).

1) Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen is a bag of shit.  Aside from threatening to beat up his boss to getting entire show seasons cancelled to doing blow with porn stars less than half his age to being a FUCKING 9/11 Truther (those stupid assholes that think 9/11 was an inside job) to trashing hotel rooms, this guy has dozens of different ways for demonstrating his knack for irresponsibility.  Tiger Blood?  Vatican Assassin Warlocks?  It's a party, man!  WINNING!!!!!!!!!!

ROOMMATES: Society's Russian Roulette

Have you ever had the perfect roommate?  You know, the guy who always pays his share of the rent, does the dishes, cleans up his room, doesn't play video games naked for ANY reason, etc?  Of course you didn't.  You got the guy that built skyscrapers out of pizza boxes, put Nair in your shampoo and shaved your eyebrows off in your sleep.  You were probably that asshole at one in your life, too.  Remember when your laundry got so out of control in college you abandoned it like a foreclosed house at the end of the year, or when you used to steal money out of the purse of whichever girl your roommate was banging?  Of course you do.  But which roommates are you familiar with?  The most well-known are:

Lady MacBeth
There's nothing wrong with somebody that's a neat freak.  You get sick less and you don't have to worry about being humiliated when you bring company over.  However, his incessant bitching about not putting the sponge back in the sponge tray or leaving clothes hanging over the top of your laundry hamper is enough to get on anybody's last nerve after a while.  Jesus, man.  You just vacuumed 4 hours ago.  Relax.

The Exhibitionist
Some guys are just waaaaaaay too comfortable with their sexuality, and often advertise this pride by never wearing clothing at any time unless the law forces them to.  There are no boundaries with this guy, and bringing home dates to find him watching action movies nude in your living room is sure to staple a no-sex clause to the end of your evening.  We get it, man.  You're your "own man".  Well, the rest of us have appetites that we'd like to return some day and they won't as long as your testicles have become the third roommate of our home.

The Prankster
Sure, he can be the life of the party.  Pranks are only funny when they're NOT happening to you, though.  And whether you're nearly breaking your arms falling on the kitchen floor he's buttered or pissing your pants at night because he uses the bowl of water trick, it becomes tiresome when you have to watch your back constantly in your own home.  Ditto with getting camera ambushed in the shower or taking a dump.

The Fungus Amongus
Who needs to do laundry when you can just spray your dirty clothes with Right Guard and wear them again and again?  Slobs usually aren't bad people at heart, but moguls of old clothes, silverfish infestations and black mould are about as sexy as a death camp tour.  Laundry is not a difficult task and putting your dishes in the dishwasher takes all of 10 seconds, you lazy asshole.  Also, air freshener isn't a fucking deodorant.  You stink, Stinky.  Clean up your act.

The Slider
Here is one of the greatest roommate pests: it starts off with a friendly and innocent "mind if I crash on your couch a few days?"  You know him, so you can't say no.  He promises to chip in during his stay, which never happens.  However, the days soon become weeks, and you are supplying 100% of his food, lodging, cigarettes beer and anything else he can welch from you.  Soon enough, you basically have a kid you never knew you have.  Only revealing the hard truth can get rid of this menace.

Cannonball
It's your first place, you own castle, and for the first time you can treat your home however you want.  Why not destroy everything you see?  Drop an elbow on the coffee table like Randy Savage used to.  You've always wanted to see if you could punch through the wall like Robocop, why not try it on your roommate while he's studying?  Hell, pick him up and throw him into the ceiling fan while you're at it!  Wrecking a household item or two is commonplace in college, but it gets tiresome+ quick and nobody's getting laid bringing home a girl to a house with no sheet rock dividing the rooms.  Kiss your deposit goodbye, and enjoy taping drywall by yourself, cool dude.

Dude Awesome
He cooks, he cleans, he pays bills on time and he's into the same shit as you.  He even floats you if you're having financial woes and he's never in the way.  In other words, he does not exist.

The Roommate's Girlfriend
This starts as a few platonic sleepovers and eventually you have a female living amongst you.  Naturally, there are different girlfriends for roommates.  Some only come over sporadically, always giving you a friendly "hi" when they do rarely see you.  The other lives with him a lot, but help cook meals, cleans up and never hogs the washroom or TV because she is aware this isn't truly her home.  However, the one that YOU get stuck with eats all your leftovers without permission, uses all the hot water in the shower as she plugs up the drain with her nappy-ass hair and litters your furniture with her nappy-ass cat (who also moved in with her).  Hogging the TV constantly to watch her precious, idiotic reality TV.  She leaves her clothes scattered everywhere meanwhile making scornful, passive-aggressive remarks about how messy the place always is, meanwhile she chips in NOTHING on food or rent.  It is perfectly fine to call her a cunt at this point.

That is all for now.  If you can think of any for me to add, feel free to drop me a line and I'll happily add it.