As a D.J., I had to host these things on occasion. Rare occasion, since I told past employers that I would only do them in an emergency. Because no matter where you go, you will ALWAYS get the same people:
Guilty Party: The Flock of Shrieking Drunk Chicks
Typical Songs: Like A Prayer, I Will Survive, Wannabe
Guys will tolerate almost anything from a drunk woman if it means getting into her panties, so they tolerate this insane tone-deaf display as eight untalented tee-hees say "fuck you" to microphone feedback and eardrums as they pulverize your soul with horrible songs swung even MORE horribly. They invented outdoor patios for a reason, and now is the time to check one out.
Guilty Party: The Ladies Man
Typical Songs: I'll Be, Amazed, With Arms Wide Open, Angel Eyes
One thing is for sure: this guy is going home with pussy tonight because of his sweet skills with a mic. He dresses like a true playa and serenades the ladies like a true creep. His problem is, NOBODY is a star singing karaoke, even the talented ones. Instead, he lives in his delusional bubble until he finally ends up where he belongs: back in his studio apartment, masturbating while crying.
Guilty Party: Star Search Wannabe
Typical Songs: Just about anything, the table is open
He eats, breaths, sleeps, jerks off to karaoke. He once got past an American Idol prelim and that is his one achievement in life. He know where karaoke is at a specific bar for every night of the week. He has has time for about seven songs in the rotation, but hands in about twenty in case he gets one of his last second changes of heart that the host loves so much. He's CONSTANTLY asking "Am I on soon?" and when he is, he REALLY wants to get the crowd in on it, whether it's sing-along hand douche gestures or air guitaring like retarded kid at an Good Charlotte concert. He will he WILL rock you.
Guilty Party: The Guy Who Doesn't Want To Be Up There
Typical Songs: Something boring his friends picked
Dude, just because your friends badgered you a little bit and you're shy doesn't mean you have to go up there, stare at the floor and monotone your milquetoast ass into the mic for four minutes and kill every buzz in the room like you were paid to do it. Sack up and tell your friends to go fuck themselves like the sensible people do. You could BE that someday, champ!
Guilty Party: The "Cute" Couple
Typical Songs: Barbie Girl, Summer Nights, Love Shack
Shit-eating grins, singing to each other like they're trying to teach each other fucking magic tricks, these are the poster children for the Single Crowd. But no, go right ahead. Despite your awesome lack of ability, it's just SO fucking hilarious and original when she sings the man part and he sings the girl's! Seriously, I've never seen that before. Where is the redneck crowd from The Blues Brothers when you need them?
Guilty Party: Dr. Shitface
Typical Songs: You probably won't be able to tell.
They tap the microphone loud, slur words, scream vulgarities at random moments, they can barely stand up and they don't give even give a shit that they're up there. But they WILL sing Hotel California if it causes every single one of their friends to ditch them prematurely, goddammit!
Guilty Party: The Guy who tries to sound like The Original Artist
Typical Songs: Anything from an 'Uur Band (Creed, Pearl Jam, Nickelback)
You don't sound like them, you aren't a singer, stop trying, dude. It's bad enough you're singing "How You Remind Me" enough as it already is. Now you're just raping a corpse.
So come one, come all. Have co-workers never look at you at work the same again! Get your friends to tell mean stories about you behind your back about your delusional self-talent! Sound like the world's biggest fag while doing the actions to "Knock Three Times"! Just count me out.
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