The Idiot Board Post Hall of Fame: greatest of the internet's humour

From the one and only message board (or internet site for that matter) that I frequent, there is endless amounts of deep, depraved humour.  Here I thought I'd honour the people who make me laugh the hardest.  Only their member names will be used, nothing will be edited.

Noland and his opinion towards Taylor Rain:

Yeah, she lives next door. Her front porch is paved with broken glass, her living room is piled waist high in garbage and she sleeps in a bed made of burlap. She's poison. Porn is fun, but that chick is so fucked up the guys that rape women in Darfur would question her morals.

CharlesJohnson:

What the hell is with girls wearing "going clubbin'" dresses to the library? Three of them today. They just roll out of bed, hack up some old sperm, and go rent some DVDs? Because, yeah, the library is the Blockbuster of 2012. Holy hell do they do a big DVD business. They also had a few books there.

Effinshenanigans on Facebook:

 I've always felt that Facebook is the equivalent of giving someone a bullhorn, one of those super long fold-out wallet picture holders, and a bunch of acid.
Some people take all of that and sit quietly. Every now and then, they mutter something through the bullhorn and just leave the picture fold-out open if anyone is interested enough to stop by and check it out. They don't like acid, either, so they just toss that into the grass.
Others drop all of the acid right away (perhaps even dig some up from the grass that belonged to people who tossed it) and start screaming every vapid thought into the bullhorn while they hurl their picture wallet at people passing by. That way, when the other person stops and says, "Why the fuck did you throw this at me?" they can have an excuse to show them every picture in there.

Allord on the art of intimidation:

If you're a serial killer, looking like a serial killer is a perk, as it causes your victims to panic and scream a lot more after they gradually stir to realize they're tied to a chair that's hanging from a giant rope spiderweb in your own torch-lit torture chamber. It wouldn't have nearly as much effect if you looked like Pamela Anderson in a skin-tight milf-maid outfit.

Ballsack responding to a call-out:

Whatever, fuckhead, we all know you're a hack. Besides...what's douchier? Me being annoying or YOU letting it annoy you so much you have to call me on it? Sorry son, now go fuck your grandpa's ass. If he's dead, dig him up.

Beefy Phil venting:

Enough with the shortening of full phrases to letters. FML. SMH. MLIA. Enough. Type the full fucking words. Or else I'll just have to RYSWAGSUYCMMMBMICISNMIMDNCBGIDUFEYWCDCHTTLAHOAVAUA (Rape Your Soul With A Garden Spade Until You Cry 'Mommy Mommy Mommy' But Mommy Isn't Coming, Is She? No, Mommy Is Most Definitely Not Coming Because God Is Dead. Use Fucking English, You Worthless Cosmic Dingleberry Clinging Hopelessly To The Last Anal Hair Of A Vast And Uncaring Abyss.)

Kojak reflecting on old neighbours:

 That aside, Vanilla and I had two guys living beneath us. They were both meat heads..you know..BEEFCAKE! The type that couldn't use their necks and had to move their whole body in order to look left or right. They acted tough, and talked about getting girls and all that shit, you know, how they have muscles which automatically makes them alpha males. Anyways, every night or second night, without a doubt, it would be quiet, and then all of a sudden....
AHHHHH...OHHH YEAAAAHHHHH....AHHHHHH...FUUUUUUUUUUUKCKKKK
Like they were ramming each other's ass with no lube. Vanilla and I looked terrified, and quickly realized they were probably fucking each other. I think in the 'moment', the fellas downstairs didn't realize how loud they were. We would laugh and make jokes as it continued. But after a couple weeks, we fucking got pissed and couldn't understand what they could be doing if they weren't ass-thrusting. We started yelling back, "STOP FUCKING EACH OTHER IN THE ASS! OHHH YEAAAAHHHHHH"
They would stop, but only momentarily. It came to the point when they would blast music, and not beefcake I'm hard music with metal rock or something..no..not even rap music... they blasted (I SHIT YOU NOT ASK VANILLA) Celine Dion's MY LIFE WILL GO ON! I can not fucking make this up. And then they continued fucking, but no one could hear them over the song. And they expect us to believe they get girls 'all the time'... sure.
I mean, if they weren't fucking I don't know what they were doing. I'd actually have to go downstairs and knock and ask them to stop in order get them to shut the fuck up. Even then they didn't answer the door. The moans just stopped dead and no one would come, so I'd go upstairs and wouldn't hear anything again.
I would see them in the hall sometimes and ask them, "What the hell is that sound from downstairs? What are you guys doing?"
And without a doubt, they would always reply with, "What sound? I don't know what you're talking about dude."
It still went on though. It wasn't until their left their window open, living on the bottom floor, that a group of guys walked by, heard them, and tore them up and laughed and made fun of them, calling them out that they finally stopped.

 CharlesJohnson on Nicki Minaj:

Nicki Mange is not attractive, not at all. She looks like Frankenstein's bimbo monster. She looks squished. Almost as if she was made from a Playdough Factory Playset then someone smushed it under their shoe. Last time I saw a mouth like that, it was eating Quinn's boat. I'd sooner fuck Sam Jackson in that pink fright wig. She is a diseased manatee. I'd sooner feed my balls to T-rex.

Kubla Khan on the topic of fitness:

My million dollar idea? Mens only gym as the inverse of Curves, named, Curls. It'll have 18 squat racks in a row for bicep curls. Bench press can be doubled as bench for skull crushers. Two way mirrors all around so the passing public can gawk as they pose for themselves. Straight cash homey.

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