I've been a disc jockey for one full decade now. If there is one thing that baffles me about this remarkably easy and basically fun job, it's how people can still love the same shitty songs and sing along with them for the 5000th fucking time. Some songs I could never get sick of. You can never get tired of hearing a song like "Got To Give It Up" because they are simply too awesome and pretty much impossible to hate.
And then there's the songs that make you wish it was possible to un-produce a track. And the biggest turds in that large bowl are:
10) MacArthur Park by Richard Harris
A great actor hyper-dramatically sings his way through what feels like seven hours of WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!! This song is responsible for half the suicides in America before the 1980's. Donna Fucking Summer remade it into a disco hit. What's next, a rain of blood?
9) Strokin' by Clarence Carter
Not a hit at first, Mr. Carter blessed the wedding world with a perfectly dull song for 55-year-old people to screw to. The only people who dance/fuck to this song are people who were too old to watch Magnum P.I. Christ, it puts bad visions in my head.
8) Amazed by Lonestar
To make a hit country song, just make it slow and talk about how beautiful a woman is. The next thing you know, ten million rubes with two first names and boots made out of a deadly snake will think of you a musical genius. I am yet to DJ a wedding where somebody with a moustache or bola tie hasn't demanded this song "For my wife. It was our wedding song." Real original, Jesco.
7) The Time of my Life- Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes
If somebody requests this instantly dated migraine, first I look at them like they gave away the ending to a movie. Then I play it, because if you've been to a wedding full of drunk W.A.S.Ps you know what's next-- some idiot couple is going to try that "lift move" from Dirty Dancing, only they don't realize that Patrick Swayze is a chiseled and all-powerful sexy Greek God, and Jennifer Grey is 5'1". Instead, you get something better: humiliation and contusions when they collapse into the head table. And I laugh. Caution: insulting this song in front of a creature sporting a vagina can result in a no-sex finish to your night.
6) Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground
I will give you a million dollars if you can give me one logical reason why this uber-dull song was a number one hit for over a month. No takers? Here's one: it has the word "sex" in the title. That's the only reason. If you don't believe me, just ask Kings Of Leon.
5) What's Up by Four Non-Blondes
You know it. And no, it isn't good in any way.
4) I'll Be by Edwin McCain
Lard-assed acoustic douche Edwin McCain turned any slow dance or karaoke night for that matter into a red nightmare that seems to melt panties away like ice on a summer sidewalk for some reason. I think Edwin should probably drill a hole in his head to let the fucking sap out, personally. Contrived, over-played sentimental horseshit. If this song was any more gay, George Michael would be blowing it in a bathroom stall.
3)The Love Shack by The B52's
Women are strictly to blame for this unbelievably irritating bubble-gum faggotry, which they shriek along to like a banshee with its hand caught in a car door. Was "Rock Lobster" not a shitty enough way to make white people look like idiots? Who the fuck signed this "band" in the first place?
2) Young Girl by Gary Pucket and the Union Gap
You would have to be older than water to appreciate this song when it was released, but I think I'll let the chorus of the creepiest song ever made speak for itself:
Young girl, get out of my mind!
My love for you is way out of line!
You'd better RUN girl!
You're MUCH TOO YOUNG, GIRL!!!!
...Brrrrrrrrr. I rest my case
1) Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison
I think the biggest issue with this song is that every single female in the solar system with brown eyes think that this bore is written specifically about her. They become instantly smug about it, demanding a "dance radius" so they can make themselves look like an even bigger asshole. Van Mo' made some great tunes. This was not one of them. This song is probably as overplayed as You Shook Me All Night Long, the only difference is this song licks sweaty skunk taint.
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