Men
We are guys. We like sex, sports, drinking and "hangin' out with the boys". Men are a meat and potatoes genre, carefree and perpetually clinging to our youth. Men have in the last few years found a new contempt for women after constantly losing every single war for the last 20 years with the fairer sex. In every movie, TV show or commercial that had ANYTHING whatsoever to do with he battle of the sexes, women would be the victor bar none, whether it be some silly made-up sport from an 1980's movie, a boxing match, trivia contest, whatever, the women had to win. As men we grew sick of it and decided to stop kissing ass, so the so-called Men's Movement was born, sort of a half-assed take-back-the-night thing where suddenly we preferred beer over chicks and we started creating things in pop culture that put us on the pedestal. The truth is, we don't need it. In the real world, if we were to square off against women in say a sport or some sort of physical contest, we would whomp their asses like we were getting paid for it. That's not sexism, but honesty. Men are overwhelmingly stronger and more athletic than women, period. That's the way we are made, and that's why nobody watches the WNBA.
Men don't like what they're told to like as much as women. That's why you don't see us listening to pop music or those stupid-ass shows on MTV nearly as often. Men like creating their own reality so they can keep ahead of the competition- namely every other man they know. Who can have the best car. Who can get the most awesome barbecue. Who can bench press the most weight. Who can bang the hottest chicks. Who can bang the most UGLY ones. We loooooooove trying to out-do each other and that often results in violent disaster, whether they be drunken nighttime roman candle fights or do-it-yourself projects. We do STUPID acts of randomness all the time, like shoving an upright piano off the roof of an apartment building or freaking out when we can't get it up at our buddy's bachelor party and killing the hooker.
One things guys need to stop doing is feel threatened by feminists because they don't know enough about feminism and think that they are all beastly man-haters that want to herd all of us into Antarctica. That is such bullshit. Feminists are not all like cunt extraordinaire Greer Goodman (who thinks- states- that heterosexual intercourse is rape). Feminists- real feminists- want simple equality. A truce. A stalemate. That's what I want too. Will it happen? Of course! And we'll all be dead 400 years.
But what do men want from women? Well, that I can't answer as a whole, because everybody has that nasty little shtick known as Free Will. However, if I was forced to pick one, I would say tolerance. We want women to just plain trust us, and accept us as the lovable cavemen that we are. We want you to let us have our night out with our friends and not be greeted with 143 district attourney-style questions the moment we come home about every single thing we did. We don't want you to "accidentally bump into us" when we're out with our friends. We want you to stop with the stupid fucking "emergency rescue" calls from your friend in the middle of the first date, because its insulting and we're not idiots. Why are you answering a cell phone during dinner anyways, how rude IS that, anyway? Let us be what we are. We don't want to watch Grey's Anatomy with you because it sucks and we know it. We don't want to dress up our dogs when we take them for walks because that degrades the animal and not to mention makes the owner look like a lost retard and utter nutjob. We don't want to become vegetarians because the body requires red meat and that's hard-wired into our DNA. Give us tolerance, and we promise not to drag you to a football game in -10 degree weather with our faces painted so we can scream drunken insults at the millionaire drug addicts.
Women
I'll tread as carefully as I can, since I have not been a woman in years and have lost touch. Really, women are easily the fairer and much more complex human being. Women are reasonable, strong-willed and peaceful. They are also catty and love back-stabbing their own closest friends whenever given the opportunity, because Hell hath no fury. They have incredible gifts that men don't have like sex appeal and the ability to dance if Caucasian.
Women are defensive against men. You can't really blame them. We're bigger and stronger than them, and will always pose a fear threat on them because of those facts alone. Women also say they understand men yet don't, usually through stupid articles in the even stupider magazines that they read filled with tripe written by women claiming they are experts on men. They me yell from this from the cheap seats one time for the few people that read this blog to hear:
NO WOMAN ON THIS EARTH IS AN EXPERT ON MEN.
Did you hear that? And while you lie about your knowledge of men, you need to stop lying to yourself about what you want in a man. Women say they want sensitive guys. You know, guys who aren't afraid to cry. Bullshit. You don't want a guy that will cry, you want a shoulder to cry on. Sensitive guys scare the unholy shit out of women and you know it. Don't believe me? Guys, if you are just starting to date a girl, rent a sappy chick-flick and have a movie night in. When the sappy shit comes on the TV, just start sobbing like women would do while watching The Notebook. How is she gonna react to that? Here's how: she's going to get a "headache", hustle you out the door and as soon as you're gone, she's booty calling her ex boyfriend. You know, the ex-boyfriend that cheated on her more times than you've had sex in your entire life. He's going to come over and fuck. Her. Stupid. Then, they'll light up smokes afterwards and laugh. You know why? Because THAT guy doesn't cry while watching The Notebook. You see, women don't want a sap. They don't want a monster either, but they want to know they are ARE INDEED WITH A MAN.
So what do women want in a man? Just like guys, we're all different. Women want many things from a man, but they all hover around general responsibility. They want a guy that pays all his bills, doesn't have a temper, has steady employment and is faithful to whom he cares about. Men can be all those things, but the problem is many women want more than that. You also get the so-called "princesses" who demand their men do all the work, fawn over them like royalty and do any idiotic chore for them sych as driving across town to kill a spider in their apartment. Why do they deserve this treament? Because they have tits. Ladies, if you are one of these women I sincerely hope that you die alone. You are not royalty. You are not even special. You're a status obsessed bitch blinded by their own false sense of self worth, and you need to wake up and get your shit straight or no sensible man on the planet will come within 100 feet of you, and I can't blame them.
Women deserve equality because they've earned it. Yes, they've been oppressed for generations, however in our modern democracy they are not as a whole, and the ones who still think they are turn out to be the biggest freaks of all. Just never be hard on them. One of them carried YOUR worthless ass for nine months before going through a bout of unimaginable pain, fear and suffering that you will never know to bring you to the world and that has to count for SOMETHING on a resume.
The Winner:
In the end, the women actually DO win this contest. They are way too many points to argue, but these days it's sex appeal that is the victor and only ONE genre has the ability to say whatever they want and still have sex afterwards if they want to.
I have no funny caption for this
photo. I just know that it is awesome.
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