Let's start with seniority: The Mormons. The CJCLDS was founded by con artist and "treasure hunter" Joseph Smith, who claims while in the wilderness of New York he ran into Jesus who was apparently in a waterskiing contest at the Finger Lakes that summer. Brought to him were the Golden Plates Of Mormon, which could only be read by a magic "Seer Stone" that only Smith has ever seen. So, only HE knows the rules, because only HE read it. And EVERYBODY fell for it. Through his brief encounter with Jesus Of The Northeast and an Angel, Smith learned this incredible laundry list of horseshit:
- Black people can only enter Heaven as a slave. The FUCK.
- You can have unlimited child brides without question, which Smith and Bringham Young (most ironically named man in human history) has PLENTY of. A.k.a they were child molesters.
- Being black was considered a curse from God.
- God was a man who lived on a distant Utopia planet called Kelob. God physically fucked Mary and impregnated her with Jesus. Bow-chicka-wow-wow!!!
- All other forms of Christianity are hereby "An Abomination".
- Native Americans originated as a lost tribe of Israel.
- Mixed marriages are a death sentence. Not fans of jungle fever over here.
- Magically designed Fruit-Of-The Looms that you wear protect you from knives, bullets, fire and harm. Not making that up.
-Donate 10% of your wages back to the church. HOW many people live in Utah?
- You are supposed to have at least 13 kids to reach Celestial Heaven. Fuck. That. Noise.
Of course, whenever society begins to frown upon one of the monstrously retarded regulations, God fortunately calls up on the hot line and lets Mormonism go with the flow! Imagine a religion cool enough that it bends to the law when threatened with imprisonment! When it comes to religion, these guys have the Goofy Champs for a long time. However, lets meet our dangerously insane friends over at the latest trend to rip at the entrails of our sanity: The Church Of Scientology, founded by science fiction author L. Ron Hubbard. Science Fiction as in "Stuff that isn't real" which pretty much describes this monstrous con which he pulled out of his ass and it became a hit amongst people that have a copy of Variety perpetually tucked into their back pocket.
Scientology basically goes like this: 75 Million years ago, the evil intergalactic lord Xenu (sounds like a made-up villain from Calvin & Hobbes) banished the evil Thetans to earth in recycled Boeing airliners. They stacked them all around volcanoes, destroyed them all with hydrogen bombs, and now the spirits of these Thetans posses us, and must rid ourselves of the by "Auditing" yourself with an E-Meter:
...they only cost approx. $14,000. Yeah. This glorified Speak N' Spell costs as much as a fucking CAR. ARE YOU LISTENING, CALIFORNIA? Get you head out of your gullible asses and stop funnelling your money into some crook's already well-lined pockets. Did I mention this church has no qualms with suing people that disband or talk about their so-called "secrets"
The Winner:
Nobody. Everybody's a loser here, because it seems that everybody directly involved with these off-the-wall organizations can come to terms with the fact that they're a complete fucking moron.
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