Monday, February 21, 2011

GUY DOESN'T KICK ANYONE'S ASS FOR 24 STRAIGHT HOURS

"It's incredible" say friend Ricky VanVeen.  "Ray-Ray had been fuckin' pussies up for years.  I've really felt like he's turned a corner here".  Van Veen had been remarking about his friend Raymond Channing who managed an extended peaceful period of twenty-four straight hours without starting a fight.

Channing, who has had somewhat of a history with the ancient art of fisticuffs, had been embroiled in the world of unmotivated combat since age three when he broke an empty glass bottle of Canada Dry over his daycare supervisor's face for "making eyes".  Since then, many have fallen prey to his sucker punches, garbage pail blind sidings and unexpected kidney punches. "It's just Ray-Ray." VanVeen proudly boasts "You fuck with him, he kicks your fuckin' ass.  Maybe you should've been standing there, maybe he doesn't like your shirt or the way you laugh.  You don't get offended, you learn from your mistake of crossing Ray-Ray and make the necessary changes in life."

Channing had been pushing towards the goal for some time now.  Last Saturday he made the attempt and while at Robinson Hall in the 19th hour of his fast he was grazed shoulder-to-shoulder on the dancefloor by a man dancing with his fiancee, splashing Channing's drink slightly.  The man suffered a ruptured eye socket and internal bleeding, and Channing had sex with the man's fiancee on top of his unconscious body in full view of the dance floor patrons.  "We were so close" Channing says with a very restrained shame in his voice.  "You don't bump into me.  You just don't fucking bump into me, EVER, because I have no choice but to end you."

Of course, all good things come to and end and at 25 hours and 42 minutes, a bartender made the capital flaw of not giving Channing the rest of the Redbull can after ordering one of his beloved Yagerbombs at Club Slide on Wednesday.  Channing immediately hopped the bar, broke a loaded pint glass over the nose of the bartender and anally raped him with the detachable soda tap.  "It's a slow process.  You can't just tell me to sit there and NOT take that shit.  It HAD to be done."

Channing says we would like to continue his warm ways, saying that in just a few weeks he will be "switching to beer" and start back on the medication he has been refusing for the past seventeen years.  I think we can all say we'll be rooting for him.

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