This was brought to me by Frank from The Idiot Board in a thread a where everybody basically tried to one-up each other with the corniest, most god-awful shit we could find on the Internet. I declared this video the winner, a neo-retro tune called Shine On Me sung hyperdramatically by the most homosexual-looking human being alive. I honestly felt his effect one me, I've never seen eyes so blue since Hank Fonda in Once Upon a Time in the West. However, the video is just.....FUCK. Unreal. Like every shitty Harlequin Romance Novel coming together in an insane Voltron of awesomeness. Just take a cue from the guy in the Maxell ad and hang onto something:
In a time of light...when
guyliner ruled the earth
So, if you didn't follow, let's see what we have here in our tale:
- Pedophile-esque hero in Zorro 'stache arrives on horseback
- Falls in love at first sight with woman that looks like used-up porn star
- They do some gay shit
- He fights some out-of-control fireworks
- Emo chicks with swords swoop in
- We meet bad dude in mask who grabs sword blades with his hand
- The goth chicks are now hockey angels
- Awkward make-out session. No boner, guaranteed
- Shitloads of Dragons for some reason
- Improvised amateur swordplay
- Creepy CDO Close-up
- We meet the side-kicks (who are also gay)
- We wish you a sappy sleigh ride
- Swing a sword, blow up a colonial-era oil rig (apparently, they existed). Badass.
- Whoop...whoop! They're goths again. Go cut your arms and feel sorry for yourself, bitch.
- They shoot wind storms, trash his ship he leaps into the middle of the ocean in full armour and is washed to shore. Have you shot in your drawers yet?
- Glow-in-the-dark chesticles!!!!
- He...gets completely engulfed in a fiery explosion....I guess.
- The dragons attack a town from 100 years in the future
- In seven seconds: Running wolves, flying skull-insect thingys, Bad guy taking heroine to be date-raped, "Look at them snappers!", exploding forest, ice-cave Matrix fight. This is better than coffee with Jesus.
- Sidekick battles the lesbians from Armour of God with dagger from V for Vendetta.
- Now the hero's a pirate, with pirate sidekicks.
- The heroine is crowned princess of The Kingdom of Studio 54.
- Long, awkward make-out session (again) under fireworks as angels blow cocaine on them.
Now, the whole time this mess is happening we also get inter-cuts of Dane Owens singing VERY lovingly into the camera, looking like a well-dressed viking's prison bitch.
All of the world's problems could be solved if every single music video was like this. It gives sight to the blind and feeds the hungry. Has "over the top" finally been pinnacled? Only time will tell, I will be on the hunt and post others.
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