CROWN, AM I A DOUCHEBAG? (a.k.a The Death of Cool)

Much like the retards you see the first couple of weeks on American Idol, people generally don't know how they fit into society's dynamic until someone else wakes them up.  That goes double for douchebags, the sneering metrosexuals that pop up in the background of every bar photo to make some stupid face to show how cool they are.  Of course, there's a reason why they earn their name.  They're morons, pretty boys, alcohol lightweights that only pick fights in groups and will choke you out with their Axe without even spilling their Long Island iced tea.  God love them, they are out there ready to ruin your entire night with a snarl in your face and a roofie in your drink.  Ladies.

So you ask, "How would I know if I am, in fact, a douchebag?", well here are some telltale signs:

Manscaping gone too far:
I'm all for keeping up with appearances, but let me ask you this as a man: Do you have two eyebrows?  Good.  We're DONE here.  Spas are for women, and douchebags.  Just walk past any day spa and you'll see one: he's the one with his eyes locked on the back wall of the spa, deathly afraid somebody may walk by and see their heterosexual male friend getting a manicure and his eyebrows sculpted.

The Popped Collar:
This is the one I personally hate the most.  Who on the face of this earth believe that doing this 1980's prep-boy ripoff fashion move is ACTUALLY COOL?  Well, douchebags.  Blinded by their own idiocy, this trend just won't die.  If John Mayer likes popping his collar, how could anybody possibly think it's cool?

Sunglasses Indoors:
Oh, I get it.  You don't want your fans to recognize you.  Either that, or you're so fucking cool that people aren't worth your eye contact.  Either way it's night and your in a dark, crowded bar and you look like one thing only: a complete asshole.

The Chinstrap Beard:
It's like a noose that's hanging you for being such a nincompoop.  This thing is a reminder why Amish dudes get no chicks: you look fucking STUPID, you're girlfriend is ashamed to go out in public with you and it's doing NOTHING to hide that weak, fat chin of yours.

MMA Swag Without MMA Experience:
Maybe you shouldn't be telling me between bites of your Hoagie that Michida has been looking a little soft lately.  Oh, that's right.  You know EVERYTHING about this gruelling, demanding sport because you're wearing that badass Affliction t-shirt and every second saturday you drive down to the reserve to watch Natives beat the shit out of each other.  Unless you have strapped on the gloves or have training in the field, you seriously know NOTHING and you should keep it that way.  And when you wear that Tap Out! gear in public you look like a massive handjob.

Constantly Taking your Shirt Off-
Gee, you took 15 minutes of of your precious schedule to do sit-ups everyday.  Abs are not fucking hard with some dedication, and to guys that look for every excuse to take their shirt off they're just advertising how shallow and socially retarded there are.

Douche Tats-
I love tattoos when they're thought out and well done.  I also love tattoos because I feel they should have a sacred meaning to their owner, not some fucking generic tribal lines cris-crossing your arms for the failed sake of making you look badass.  Chinese lettering?  What is your damage?  It's behind your shoulder and translates to "Beef with Noodles".  You're about as spiritual as my right nut.  But I wouldn't know, YOU'RE the one with the Ying-Yang engraved on you.

The Toaster Tan-
Nothing wrong with darkening your pigment, nobody wants to have Nicole Kidman's ungodly complexion, but turning your skin the colour of either a traffic pylon or beef jerky is unnatural, unhealthy, and HILARIOUSLY RIDICULOUS LOOKING.  You hear that?  That's the sound of every human being snickering under their breath behind you.  Maybe Melanoma will wake your ass up, George Hamilton.

Stupid-looking Neckware
I bet when Jesus was dying on the cross the first thing that came to his mind was honouring this moment in zirconium-encrusted imitation silver.  I bet guys who got their ass shot off defending their country are impressed with your Che dog tag.  I bet that's a real shark's tooth you killed an actual shark for.  I bet you will also masturbate while crying after you get home alone tonight.  Enjoy those Maroon 5 albums on your own, cool dude.

Pocket-sized Body Spray
There is no smell that makes women fall in love with you at first sight.  Jewellery HAS no smell.  In the mean time, you and 500 other Johnny Cheesedicks constantly mixing your man scents together in the same place is playing havoc on my lungs.  Christ, I have to keep smoking cigarettes just to get some fresh air!

General Douche Behavior:
Waving gangs signs to shitty rappers like Lil Wayne or T-Pain. jumping in the background of and ruining every photo, throwing hard shoulders into guys just so they'll start shit while your friends are near, etc.  All tell-tale signs of Douche.  As Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart once said: "I'll no further attempt to define Douchebags, But I know them when I see them."

And so do I:

No women were asked to pose in this picture,

and no women volunteered.